Lalalaletmeexplain replies to a reader who is concerned about their friend’s relationships (Image: GETTY)Join the OK! VIP newsletter and receive big exclusives to your inbox before anyone else!More Newsletters SubscribePlease enter a valid emailSomething went wrong, please try again later.More NewslettersWe use your sign-up to provide content in ways you’ve consented to and improve our understanding of you. This may include adverts from us and third parties based on our knowledge of you. More infoThank you for subscribing!We have more newslettersShow me See OurPrivacy Notice See OurPrivacy Notice×Group 28 Join the OK! VIP newsletter and receive big exclusives to your inbox before anyone else!Invalid emailSomething went wrong, please try again later.Sign UpNo thanks, closeWe use your sign-up to provide content in ways you’ve consented to and improve our understanding of you. This may include adverts from us and third parties based on our knowledge of you. More info×Group 28Thank you for subscribing!We have more newslettersShow MeNo thanks, closeSee our
Privacy NoticeIn Lalalaletmeexplain’s hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week’s column, simply continue reading…
Lalalaletmeexplain is here to answer your dating and relationship dilemmas
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Dear Lala, My friend is rarely single and usually has someone lined up before ending her current relationship. She recently ended a long-term relationship, which resulted in a three year old son, about 18 months ago. Shortly after, she started dating a married man who left his marriage for her. That relationship lasted about a year, and he quickly became involved with her child. Around two weeks before that relationship ended, she began seeing another man, someone she claimed to have known for years but whom I had never heard of. Now, just eight weeks later, he is relocating, moving in with her and her son – three hours away from his home. He also smokes marijuana, which raises red flags for me. I’m alarmed that she’s introducing so many men to her son, let alone allowing someone she’s only been dating for a short time to move in. He isn’t on social media, so I can’t check him out either. He’s told her that when he moves here, he’s only interested in spending time with her and her child, with no intention of making friends. He recently ended a long-term relationship that, according to him, was difficult, and he claims his ex was hard work. He showers my friend with affection, and just two weeks after they “rekindled” whatever they supposedly had 12 years ago, he spent hundreds of pounds on her for her birthday. She’s now declaring that he’s the love of her life and that it was always meant to be him — something I’ve heard her say about several men before. I’m worried about why he’s so eager to move hours away from his family and life so quickly. I’m also concerned that she’s allowing yet another person into her son’s life, and I wonder if her child is at risk. But I feel stuck. If I voice my concerns, she’ll be hurt, accuse me of dulling her happiness, and likely push me away – which scares me even more. What should I do?
One reader is concerned about their friend’s behaviour, but is worried showing their concern will push them away
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Lala says… You are right to be concerned. It is clear that she has some issues when it comes to relationships, one might assume that she is co-dependent and struggles to cope with being alone and that she relies heavily on relationships and men for her self-worth. It is very common for people with unresolved trauma and unmet needs to jump from person to person with no space inbetween. There could be lots of potential reasons for this, often stemming from childhood or toxic adult relationships. When someone has this pattern it is potentially risky to them because they’re ripe for love bombing and they tend to rush into things with their whole heart without considering the potential consequences. When someone is like this it is important that they figure out what is driving their patterns and that they heal the root cause. That takes time and therapy and a willingness to change. We can’t force friends to that point until they’re ready. But, when you become a parent you become responsible for the safety of your child and constant whirlwind relationships with different people are not conducive to creating a safe and stable environment. When you’re a child free person you can make mistakes, you can put yourself at risk, you can take your time and reach really low points before deciding to take action. When you’re responsible for a child you don’t have that same luxury, you have to sort your s**t out before it harms them. It is very concerning that she is allowing a man to move into their home within eight weeks. Love bombing is a manipulation technique that forms part of the cycle of abuse. It is the act of showering a new partner with love, attention and affection before withdrawing it or changing behaviour in an attempt to gain control over the person being love bombed. In the initial stages love bombing feels wonderful, and it can last a while before the mask slips. As you’ve identified, there are some red flags here on top of the possible love bombing, no social media that she’s aware of, substance use, an eagerness to move away from his life and family, talk about isolating himself and only needing her, negative talk about his ex. In isolation some of those things aren’t flags at all, put together, they are cause for concern. Step fathers can be wonderful, however, the very high number of step-fathers involved in child deaths and named in serious case reviews after a child has come to significant harm is startling. In children under four a step-father is six times more likely to kill than a genetic father and twice as likely to kill by beating. So it’s important to be alert and aware of the risks, which you clearly are.
Lala says that the writer is “right to be concerned”
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I would recommend doing a Clare’s Law check to establish whether he has a criminal history that she needs to be aware of. If the police decide that there is information on his file that she needs to know then they will inform her. She does not need to know that you initiated the check. You will not be informed of his criminal history, only she will. If, for example, he has something like a licence condition that prevents him from having access to children the check will alert the police that he is breaching his conditions. You could also do a Sara’s Law check which is very similar but focuses on offences against children rather than domestic abuse. If you become aware of anything that makes you think that her son might be in need or at risk then you should contact the local children’s service where they live and make a referral, you could also report via the NSPCC ON 0808 800 5000. I think you should air your concerns in a compassionate way, but I also think you’re right, you could push her away and for the child’s sake it’s best that you’re around so that you can keep an eye on how things are going. Stay around and stay alert.Story SavedYou can find this story in My Bookmarks.Or by navigating to the user icon in the top right.Follow OK! MagazineFacebookTwitterCommentMore OnLaLaLetMeExplainVIP Club
