In Lalalaletmeexplain’s hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping woman kind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week’s column, simply continue reading…
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Dear Lala, I recently had a baby with a guy who has chosen not to be involved. We met on a dating app, chatted for a while and then started seeing each other every weekend for a couple of months as we lived an hour apart. We didn’t use contraception the first few times we slept together, partly due to being drunk and partly because I was afraid to bring it up, but after I initiated a conversation, we made a sensible plan going forward. When I told him I was pregnant, he immediately drove down to see me, was supportive, and said we’d get through it together. A few days later, he messaged saying he needed time to process, then told me he’d been seeing someone else and wanted to pursue things with her. I was devastated, but he asked to be kept in the loop, so I updated him about an early scan. He responded, apologising with the excuse that his grandad was in his final days, but ignored my next two messages and eventually blocked me. He only unblocked me after I went through child maintenance to get him to contribute financially. He requested a DNA test, which confirmed he’s the father, and now he has to pay. I sent one final message letting him know the door is open if he wants to meet his son, but he ignored it. How am I supposed to block, delete and move on while knowing my child will one day ask why his dad didn’t want to be in his life? I have limited support from my family, and while I know my son is better off without a flaky dad, I still wish I could change the situation. He also told me he’d gotten two other women pregnant, besides his long term ex who he has two kids with, one miscarried and one terminated, and a friend suggested he might have an impregnation fetish. Could there be even more kids? Another thought I’ve had is whether it might be appropriate to reach out to his other children’s mum, as they are half siblings. It feels difficult to just do nothing.
‘How am I supposed to block, delete and move on?’ asks one reader
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Lala says… This is a horrible thing to go through. Your baby deserves better, but he’s got you, and that will be enough. You can’t change the situation, but you can change how you think and feel about it over time. I don’t think you need to do the block and delete part, but moving on from the pain of his abandonment and rejection of you and his child is doable. He sounds like an extremely irresponsible man, he doesn’t appear to protect himself at all when having sex with anyone, and he doesn’t take responsibility for the lives he creates out of that chaos. Unfortunately, a lot of people are just really bad at condom use, it’s much more likely that he puts sexual feelings over sensible safe sex than it is for him to have a breeding fetish. This should be a reminder to all readers of how incredibly important protection is. It kind of doesn’t really matter why he’s done this, though it would be cathartic to know, but that’s a matter for him and his therapist. The fact is, that for whatever reason, he has chosen to not play his part as a father to his child and the person whom that will eventually harm the most is him. It feels painful to imagine your child growing up with the thought that their own parent didn’t want them, it feels like we’ve set our children up to fail by not giving them a father. But this is not the case. Many millions of children are raised with only one parent and as long as that parent is loving, caring, supportive, and committed to guiding them through their emotions, then they will do just fine. When your child asks in the future, you can give them age appropriate answers like “Your dad wasn’t ready to be a parent, but that’s not your fault, and you are very loved.” and when they ask more questions continue to be honest but thoughtful. It’s not about the child, it’s about him, you can make sure that your son understands that dad didn’t reject him – he rejected himself, he let himself down because he wasn’t grown up enough to be a good father. I wouldn’t block or delete because I think the door should be left open, perhaps there will be a time in the future where he has an awakening and wants to rectify his mistakes. You will need to review things at the time if that does happen, and see how you feel about it, but I think it’s always worth being open to them coming back to have a relationship if they so choose. It means that they can never tell your child in the future that you had any part in blocking them from having access. There is definitely a chance that he has more children, but I would strongly advise you to get some therapy and get yourself down to a mum and baby group in your local area where you can build a support network. Distract yourself from it. Don’t get into detective work trying to find other children, don’t let this consume you. I think it’s appropriate to reach out to the other mum to see if you can connect your children who are half siblings, however, I would prepare yourself first for all outcomes. She might be receptive and keen to engage, or she might tell you to F off, she might have been brainwashed by him to believe things about you. So, only reach out if it’s not going to devastate you to receive a negative response. Your son will become a man that his dad could never be. Take something from the fact that this reckless idiot won’t have the chance to be a role model for your son, that can only be a good thing.
