Video LoadingVideo UnavailableClick to playTap to playThe video will auto-play soon8CancelPlay nowThere’s nothing wrong with being single on Valentine’s Day, so why does it fill some of us with such dread? Maybe it’s because society views it as a stage that precedes living happily ever after with a partner, rather than a time in our lives that has potential for genuine fulfilment. Whether being single is a choice or the decision has been taken out of your hands via a break-up or a fruitless search for The One, it makes sense that we should embrace our solo status. We should find enjoyment in dating too, without putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves for it to lead to more. Michelle Elman, life coach and author, explains how to appreciate single life and avoid the dating traps that can make you feel like a failure in love…
Michelle shares her tips for enjoying single life
Take yourself on dates A few years ago, I was dating a guy who ghosted me. We’d planned to go rock climbing and I was gutted about that being cancelled. I realised I was sick of putting things off just because I didn’t have a date, so I started a ‘Dates Men Have Promised To Take Me On And Haven’t’ list.
Take yourself on dates
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Then I retitled my list, ‘Dates I Am Going To Take Myself On’. At the bottom, I scrawled the words, ‘We don’t wait for men’ and it broadened my horizons. I’ve taken a hot-tub boat down the Thames, gone axe-throwing and done an aerial meditation class. Love lesson: The problem wasn’t that I was single, it was that I put my life on hold to wait for someone to give me permission to have fun. Enjoy romantic friendships We live in a world that prioritises romantic love and we often forget about the love that already exists in our lives. I find it ironic when people moan to their friends about how unlovable they are, completely oblivious to the fact that the people they’re moaning to are people who love them.
Romanticise your friendships
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I started injecting more romanticism into my friendships. I buy my best friends Valentine’s Day presents, I hold hands with them when we walk down the street and I’ve become known for my ‘koala bear’ hugs. Love lesson: Stop treating friendship as a second-tier version of love. Curb the fantasies Ever felt totally besotted on a first date and been guilty of foreseeing your future together? Pay attention to what you’re saying to yourself. You’re getting feelings from this fantasy in your head because your brain doesn’t know the difference between real and imagined. Get conscious of when you’re doing it – the more you catch yourself doing this, the faster you notice.
Try not to fantasise too often
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My own life coach, Michelle Zelli, taught me a technique that prevents me from fantasising. She suggests allocating one hour a day where you’re allowed to let your mind go. The trick is that you’re doing it intentionally. Love lesson: Don’t waste your time constructing endless fantasies. Make ‘consciously irresponsible’ decisions In a culture that continually emphasises the need to love yourself before you love anyone else, it’s tempting to believe we’ve not achieved enough self-love. The danger is that if we’re constantly aspiring to be better, we can develop a form of perfectionism where we never take action because we feel we’re not our best version of ourselves yet.
Don’t be afraid to make some wrong decisions
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You’re not a self-improvement project, you’re a living, breathing human who’ll make mistakes. In fact, sometimes I’ll decide to make what I call ‘consciously irresponsible’ decisions because life is no fun when we’re always doing the right thing. Love lesson: Try, experiment, fail. Believing that dating should always be easy is a fantasy of the uninitiated. Be a selfish dater Dating selfishly means you don’t need to be beholden to it and you can fit it into your schedule at your own convenience – as long as you communicate. You don’t need to dedicate a whole evening to it – find the gaps in time, whether during your commute or during the ad breaks of your favourite TV show.
The Selfish Romantic is available to buy now
You’re allowed to swipe for a minute a day and respond to messages in your own time. You’re allowed to pause without feeling like you’re quitting or halting your progress. The most progress I made in my dating life was often in my pauses, both the short ones and the longer dating detoxes. Love lesson: Make your experience of dating work for you. You don’t need to see it as a job. The Selfish Romantic: How To Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself by Michelle Elman is out now (Welbeck, £15.99) READ NEXT: Click here for today’s top showbiz news ‘I starved myself for Love Island and became addicted to fillers’, says former Islander Millionaire influencer and now mum-of-one Molly Mae Hague’s most expensive purchases for £4m house – including £2k cot and £8k mirror Sam Smith’s dating history from ex-boyfriends to rumoured romances For the latest showbiz exclusives, sign up to our daily OK! newsletter Story SavedYou can find this story in  My Bookmarks.Or by navigating to the user icon in the top right.Follow OK! MagazineFacebookTwitterMore OnHealth
