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Privacy NoticeComing out can often be a scary thing to do. Alysa Friedrich from MindOut, the mental health support charity for LGBTQ+ people, says, “It shouldn’t have to be a daunting, courageous thing but, in the current climate, it very much is.” “It’s not a one-time deal either,” points out Charlotte Fountaine, founder of LGBTQIA+ mental wellbeing app Kalda. “As a queer person, you’re constantly coming out to different people in different settings. Talking about my bisexual identity was scary. But when I eventually started talking, I felt relief – who I am inside and who I see reflected outside were finally one.” Even when confident of support, it’s not easy. “If you have the most lovely parents in the world, you still think about the what ifs,” says Poppy Saynor, who came out aged 14. “I first came out to a friend who identified as pansexual and they were very supportive. Luckily, coming out to my parents was underwhelming as they were so accepting.” Here’s how to navigate the conversation when someone tells you about their sexual or gender identity…
You can make the conversation a positive experience
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What to say “I feel honoured you’ve trusted me with this” “It shows you value and welcome the fact that they’ve come out to you and conveys that you’re taking them seriously,” says sex and relationship counsellor Rhian Kivits. “How can I best support you? What do you need from me?” “This gives them the opportunity to ask for the emotional or practical support they need without making assumptions,” says Rhian. “I love you and I support you”
“I love you and I support you” is simple, but effective
“But leave out the ‘no matter what’. That’s what we hear when we do something bad. It signifies a disappointment; that I’ll love you even though you’ve not met my expectations,” points out Alysa. “Is it ok If I ask some questions To help me understand?” “Knowing you’re curious can help the person feel supported and seen. But respect boundaries – they may not be ready or willing to answer straight away,” says Rhian. What to do React with positive affirmations Louise Pitman saw it as a celebration when her son Milo came out as gay. She said, “It was a beautiful moment. I cried happy tears, we hugged and I told him I loved him and wanted him to live his life as who he truly is.”
React in a positive way to make them feel more at ease
Follow their lead “Ask how public they wish to be about it,” says Charlotte. Rhian agrees, “It’s important not to take the power away from the person coming out just because you believe telling others for them will ‘soften the blow’.” “Milo asked me to tell his dad and brother,” says Louise. “That was his choice. His dad went straight up to his room and said, ‘You’re a superstar.’” Discuss risks “When in homophobic environments, they might seek a community on the internet or social media. Younger people can be very vulnerable and could be at greater risk of grooming, exploitation or getting involved in content or forums that aren’t age appropriate,” says Alysa. “Acknowledge that transphobia, homophobia and queerphobia exist, too, but that you’re there to support them.” Help them imagine a good life “If you grew up in a heteronormative environment, it can be natural to worry about a lonely, isolated life for your loved one, but it’s impactful to help them imagine fulfilling relationships and a normal enriching life,” says Alysa.
Help them to imagine a happy life
What not to say or do “I always suspected there was something you were trying to hide” “This can make them feel ashamed,” explains Rhian. Louise adds, “It diminishes their news. It’s a big deal that they’re telling you.” “Why didn’t you tell me before?” “This undermines their right to come out on their own terms. It also suggests you think they’ve been actively deceiving you. This is about them, not you,” says Rhian. “Are you sure it’s not just a phase?” “It’s insulting and hurtful to suggest they can grow out of their sexual or gender identity,” says Rhian. Charlotte says not being believed is the worst feeling, adding, “Comments like, ‘Isn’t everyone a little bit bisexual?’ might be well-meaning, but they’re not helpful. They make it feel as if what you’re feeling isn’t real.”
What you don’t say is just as important as what you do say
Don’t make a big fuss “For my husband and I, it wasn’t a big deal,” says Poppy Saynor’s stepmother Vicky. “It doesn’t define her, it’s just a part of her – and it’s fully accepted. I’d be way more concerned about conversations on behaviour or drugs.” “It doesn’t matter” “This feels dismissive, avoidant or disingenuous. Coming out matters very much to them so it’s important to acknowledge it as significant,” says Rhian. “How will you have children now?” “This suggests you believe they’re at a disadvantage due to their sexual or gender identity. It could also suggest you’re disappointed. They may not have considered having children, and it’s not your business,” says Rhian. For help and advice, go to mindout.org.uk READ NEXT: Click here for today’s top showbiz news Stacey Solomon fans reckon they’ve worked out her baby daughter’s name already King Charles and Camilla light candles to remember horrors of the Holocaust Pamela Anderson recalls sexual abuse by female babysitter and being raped at 12 For the latest showbiz exclusives, sign up to our daily OK! newsletter Story SavedYou can find this story in My Bookmarks.Or by navigating to the user icon in the top right.Follow OK! MagazineFacebookTwitterCommentMore OnHealth
